How Many Climate Experts Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

by Robert Coambs
Last update: June 1, 2010

Answer: About 2.1 billion people

One to look at the bulb and notice it’s burned out, and to suggest that it be changed.

One to write a theoretical paper entitled, "The Heat-Byproducts Arising from Torque and Friction During the Installation of Certain Illuminatable Vacuum-core Vitreous Spheres May Exacerbate Global Warming.”

One global warming sociologist to write a book entitled, "Bulbless: The Politics of Darkness."

One global warming feminist to write a book entitled, "Bulbless: The Gender Politics of Darkness."

One global warming African-American Studies professor to write a book entitled, “The Heart of Darkness: Global Warming and the White-man’s Bulbless Soul.

One global warming politician to organize a UN committee to meet to discuss the “Light Bulb Installation Crisis (LBIC)”, and its threat to global survival.

One expert to make up phony data about the heat that’s induced when one screws in a light bulb.

One expert to enter the phony light bulb data into the computer

One expert to write a program to alter the phony light bulb data so it looks more "accurate".

One expert to write a computer model which uses the phony and altered light bulb data to predict the climate in 6,000 years. This program predicts that by then, changing the light bulb will have caused the earth's surface temperature to increase to 6,000 degrees Celsius.

One expert to write a second computer model which predicts that in 6,000 years, the earth's surface temperature will have decreased to minus 6,000 degrees Celsius.

One to fire the guy who wrote the second computer model.

One to keep anyone from seeing the phony and altered light bulb data and the phony climate modeling program.

Five experts to write a paper entitled, "Climate Models Prove Heat-byproducts from Changing Light Bulbs are Melting Polar Icecaps.” This includes:

One to actually write the paper, using the phony data and computer models.
One to decide which journal editor would be dumb enough to publish such a piece of crap.
One to hire an “escort” to become the journal editor's "girlfriend" until he actually accepts the paper for publication.
One to apply for a new grant to pay for the “escort services.”
One to secretly video-record the journal editor and escort in bed. Then, the scientists can just show the video to the editor when they want him to publish another one of their papers.

2,000 newspaper editors to publish headlines like, “Bulbs of Doom: Heat From Screwing in Light Bulbs Already Causing Seal-Level Rise in Zinga-Zinga!

One to make a movie entitled, “Bulbs of Fire.”

100 million school children to be forced to watch “Bulbs of Fire”
2 billion gullible internet users to download and watch “Bulbs of Fire”

200,000 global protesters to trash light bulb stores.

10 statisticians to ask politely to see the light bulb data

100 global warming scientists to burn the statisticians at the stake

While all this is going on, one janitor will actually change the light bulb. It will be a fluorescent.

So the answer is, approximately 2.1 billion people are needed to change the light bulb. As John McCain might say, “We’re all climate experts now.”

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